Wednesday, May 09, 2007

This is me... now.

I've been having quite a hard time getting my life back on track. My house is not as clean and organized as I would like it to be. I'm still fighting this cough that's making my organs sore every time I cough. I don't feel like I have the balance I strive to have in life... in other words, I don't feel like I have control of my life like I strive to have. It's been difficult to be motivated to keep up with the house chores. My bathroom needs some serious cleaning and only after being totally grossed out by my kitchen floor last night did I finally give in and 409 & swifter it.

Right now I'd be satisfied if I only got back my motivation to scrapbook. For some reason I think that if I can be creative again, things will slowly move back into place and I'll find balance in my life. Not much makes sense to me right now and surprisingly, work is the one thing I don't want to change. I like working part time at the cafe. I love the people I work with. I like that over there, I feel like I'm a part of a community. I like that it's comfortable there. I want that to stay consistent for as long as it can.

Maybe it's this virus we brought back from Asia with us, maybe it's not being accepted into USC and grieving through that rejection that has brought me to where I'm at today. I'm confused and lost. I'm not sure if OT is something I should really pursue. Is it worth putting myself out there again? Giving it my all again? Do I have it in me to give it my all the second time around? Do I want it bad enough? 6 months ago, it would have been without a doubt that I would... now... I'm not so sure. Not only am I not sure... I don't really want to find out. I just want life to keep going and for me to not have to deal with my future.

Today, my friend posted on her blog a link of a site that is promoting Autism Speaks. Five For Fighting made this song called "What Kind Of World Do You Want?" and people get to post videos they make and every time the video is played, they donate $0.49 to Autism Speaks. Watching those videos moved me. Hence this post. Did it move me enough to bust out my GRE books, email my professors for extra copies of letters of recommendations they wrote for me, arrange to volunteer or find a behaviour therapist job? Not yet... but it reminded me of why I wanted to get into that field. It reminded me that I wanted to make a difference in people's lives. It reminded me that although my relationship with God is no where to be found at this moment, I know He can still use me.

So in the end... where does this leave me? I'm not too sure. Maybe God will speak to me like He use to and it'll be clear. Maybe somewhere along the way, I'll find the motivation that I need to get through it. Maybe in the end, I'm suppose to do something completely different. Maybe.... the possibilities are endless... so we'll just leave it at Maybe.