Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Missing Compassion

The last 24 hours has been quite interesting. I realized that my mom was right all along about how the people you hang out with usually have big influences on you. I realized that the first step in being real was probably the hardest to take, but the most important step to take because now I can admit to where I'm really at and ask the questions I really have. The last 24 hours gave me a little bit of insight to who I want to be influenced by in regards to being a women, a christian, a wife, a friend... it got me to think about what kind of a person I wanted to me.

I realized that I wanted to be influenced by people that care about the world outside of just themselves. Outside of just chasing after a career, money or the "American Dream" they care about the world outside of their comfort zone. These people may not find the cure to Aids or minister to every single person in need... but they take steps towards it. Little steps. But nevertheless, steps towards making the world a better place. Not just because they want to be "good people" but because that's what Jesus would have done.

In the last 24 hours, I learned that somewhere along the way, I lost compassion for people. I forgot how to love like Jesus loves and what that even looks like. In the middle of my shift today, I got to be able to real with my cafe manager whom is also more a friend than a boss. Somewhere in trying to explain where I'm at... it hits me... more than anything, I need to have compassion like Jesus does. Cos there will always be a reason to find fault with the church or the christian leaders that lead the church because neither of them are perfect and they need compassion just as much... if not more.. than anyone else. Cos although not much makes sense to me right now, the times that it did make sense was when I was on my knees feeding a homeless child dinner after he had kick a rat around as a scoccer ball and seeing how much love that boy needed and how unfair it was for him to have to grow up without any basic needs. Cos compassion helped me love the unloveable and stopped me from judging those that I judge now.

The last 24 hours has been reassuring. It's giving me hope that I'm not a lost cause and God still sees something in me. Maybe it's not how the church needs to change... but how I need to change. Maybe it's not about what they aren't doing right... but how I need to have compassion like Jesus would have had compassion. Maybe church isn't just the building we go to on Sunday mornings or only when there's a set worship service. Maybe church is everyday, every minute. Maybe church is... life? that's crazy. Cos if it is... then it's not the pastors fault that things aren't going well... it's ours. Cos it's our life.

What if I tried to lived out compassion like Jesus did? What if I'm faster to love and forgive then to judge and condemn? What if I was real with people about where I'm at in life and what I struggle with? What if in that process, I get hurt? So many "what ifs" and not enough answers... I'm probably jumping ahead of myself. All I know right now is that I'm missing compassion in my life and I want... no, I need it back.

I want to love like Jesus loves.