Missing Compassion

The last 24 hours has been quite interesting. I realized that my mom was right all along about how the people you hang out with usually have big influences on you. I realized that the first step in being real was probably the hardest to take, but the most important step to take because now I can admit to where I'm really at and ask the questions I really have. The last 24 hours gave me a little bit of insight to who I want to be influenced by in regards to being a women, a christian, a wife, a friend... it got me to think about what kind of a person I wanted to me.

I realized that I wanted to be influenced by people that care about the world outside of just themselves. Outside of just chasing after a career, money or the "American Dream" they care about the world outside of their comfort zone. These people may not find the cure to Aids or minister to every single person in need... but they take steps towards it. Little steps. But nevertheless, steps towards making the world a better place. Not just because they want to be "good people" but because that's what Jesus would have done.

In the last 24 hours, I learned that somewhere along the way, I lost compassion for people. I forgot how to love like Jesus loves and what that even looks like. In the middle of my shift today, I got to be able to real with my cafe manager whom is also more a friend than a boss. Somewhere in trying to explain where I'm at... it hits me... more than anything, I need to have compassion like Jesus does. Cos there will always be a reason to find fault with the church or the christian leaders that lead the church because neither of them are perfect and they need compassion just as much... if not more.. than anyone else. Cos although not much makes sense to me right now, the times that it did make sense was when I was on my knees feeding a homeless child dinner after he had kick a rat around as a scoccer ball and seeing how much love that boy needed and how unfair it was for him to have to grow up without any basic needs. Cos compassion helped me love the unloveable and stopped me from judging those that I judge now.

The last 24 hours has been reassuring. It's giving me hope that I'm not a lost cause and God still sees something in me. Maybe it's not how the church needs to change... but how I need to change. Maybe it's not about what they aren't doing right... but how I need to have compassion like Jesus would have had compassion. Maybe church isn't just the building we go to on Sunday mornings or only when there's a set worship service. Maybe church is everyday, every minute. Maybe church is... life? that's crazy. Cos if it is... then it's not the pastors fault that things aren't going well... it's ours. Cos it's our life.

What if I tried to lived out compassion like Jesus did? What if I'm faster to love and forgive then to judge and condemn? What if I was real with people about where I'm at in life and what I struggle with? What if in that process, I get hurt? So many "what ifs" and not enough answers... I'm probably jumping ahead of myself. All I know right now is that I'm missing compassion in my life and I want... no, I need it back.

I want to love like Jesus loves.

My Happiness Today...

• a clean and spotless kitchen
• a clean and spotless bathroom
• a clean and spotless living room
• laundry got done
  
• cooking class at Sur La Table (yummy, healthy, easy to cook food)
  
• Finding that the Farmers Market next to The Grove is really cool (and good for picture taking too)
• taking lots of pictures of food
• having the day off
  

Date Night at Mi Piace

On the last weekend of April, Mike & I went over to in Old Town, Pasadena for dinner. Food was pretty good and the atmosphere was fun. I was totally craving food there after experiencing it for the first time a couple weeks before with Pam. We ordered a basket of garlic fries, Tiramisu and an Arnold Palmer beverage. That was good enough to make we wanna go back again for some real food.

This is me... now.

I've been having quite a hard time getting my life back on track. My house is not as clean and organized as I would like it to be. I'm still fighting this cough that's making my organs sore every time I cough. I don't feel like I have the balance I strive to have in life... in other words, I don't feel like I have control of my life like I strive to have. It's been difficult to be motivated to keep up with the house chores. My bathroom needs some serious cleaning and only after being totally grossed out by my kitchen floor last night did I finally give in and 409 & swifter it.

Right now I'd be satisfied if I only got back my motivation to scrapbook. For some reason I think that if I can be creative again, things will slowly move back into place and I'll find balance in my life. Not much makes sense to me right now and surprisingly, work is the one thing I don't want to change. I like working part time at the cafe. I love the people I work with. I like that over there, I feel like I'm a part of a community. I like that it's comfortable there. I want that to stay consistent for as long as it can.

Maybe it's this virus we brought back from Asia with us, maybe it's not being accepted into USC and grieving through that rejection that has brought me to where I'm at today. I'm confused and lost. I'm not sure if OT is something I should really pursue. Is it worth putting myself out there again? Giving it my all again? Do I have it in me to give it my all the second time around? Do I want it bad enough? 6 months ago, it would have been without a doubt that I would... now... I'm not so sure. Not only am I not sure... I don't really want to find out. I just want life to keep going and for me to not have to deal with my future.

Today, my friend posted on her blog a link of a site that is promoting Autism Speaks. Five For Fighting made this song called "What Kind Of World Do You Want?" and people get to post videos they make and every time the video is played, they donate $0.49 to Autism Speaks. Watching those videos moved me. Hence this post. Did it move me enough to bust out my GRE books, email my professors for extra copies of letters of recommendations they wrote for me, arrange to volunteer or find a behaviour therapist job? Not yet... but it reminded me of why I wanted to get into that field. It reminded me that I wanted to make a difference in people's lives. It reminded me that although my relationship with God is no where to be found at this moment, I know He can still use me.

So in the end... where does this leave me? I'm not too sure. Maybe God will speak to me like He use to and it'll be clear. Maybe somewhere along the way, I'll find the motivation that I need to get through it. Maybe in the end, I'm suppose to do something completely different. Maybe.... the possibilities are endless... so we'll just leave it at Maybe.

My day at home

Staying home all day (literally) has been interesting. There's a few things I learned today...

• I like watching "I Love Lucy"
  
• TV from 1pm to 3pm is really not worth watching
• I love watching "What I Like About You" (3pm-4pm)
• "Reba" isn't half bad (4pm-5pm)
• "My Wife and Kids" is pretty funny (5pm-5:30pm)

After staying at home all day with nothing much to do (except some laundry and dishes here and there) I think I'm ready to face the world again tomorrow. Being sick really is no fun. I think I have more energy now... still coughing up a lung every now and then, but my head stopped hurting and I'm not as congested as I was yesterday.